Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
