anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
