So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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