? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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