I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
