You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
