Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
