youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
