Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
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