I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
