That's when you crack a 10am beer
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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