apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
