I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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