my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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