Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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