I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
