shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
