I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
