I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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