I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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