i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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