Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
