life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
