As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
