Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
did i just pee glitter
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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