Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
In America we eat man semen.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
