hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
