I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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