I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
how drunk are you?
Several
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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