she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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