do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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