Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
