I accidentally burped into my bong.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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