I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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