So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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