i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
