i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
