I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
