One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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