i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
