Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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