then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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