Pants 0. Shit 1.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
All I want is dick and wine.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
