standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
