Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
