Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
