I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
