Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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