Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
