That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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