please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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